perhaps it is the influence of the music and incense, but i got distracted from writing my paper for english to think.
jealousy is an interesting force. the first definition of the word jealous used in the office edition of the american heritage dictionary fourth edition is "fearful of losing affection or positon." i believe that most people would use the second definition, envious, more. in fact, i would consider myself one of those people. given the first definition, however, shouldn't jealousy be considered a natural companion to a loving relationship? how many people can truly, honestly say that they are not afraid that at some point, a lover or friend will find someone else more attractive, more fun to be around, more intelligent in conversation, more flattering in wit, someone generally better?
perhaps i am a jealous person by nature. i love feeling loved. i can't help being possessive of the affection i receive. perhaps that's really what my problem is with maddy, or at least a factor in it. she has so many people she calls friends, so many groups of people that she spreads her time amongst, that the attention her old standbys recieve becomes less and less. it's the feeling of abandonment, only more gradual.
i'm jealous of the attention i receive from johnny. one of the reasons it's been hard with him at college is that i don't get to talk to him as much. i'm selfish, and part of me wants the same ammount of attention that i was getting from him before he left for kutztown. the rest of me understands that he is busy, that he has other friends, that he has to work hard to keep his grades up and his head straight. but sometimes that little part of me isn't so little, and we wind up getting into arguements about it. but when i am with him, i'm happy. i have his undivided attention. i have his affection, and no threat of losing it. this makes me happy.
yes, i am a selfish person, no matter how much i try not to be. and i am a jealous person, a fearful person. but is that such a horrible thing to be?
i'm trying to learn to be a better person. i'm trying to overcome the jealousy that i almost always feel in some part of me. but fear is difficult to overcome. i will always need that constant reassurance that there is no monster under the bed, that the rollercoaster won't jump the track, that my friends are true, and that johnny will always love me for who i am.
in five days, i will be 18. by that time i hope to lose some inhibitions, to not be so jealous, to let myself go to some extent. it will be a difficult task, i know. but i am willing to make the effort.
let the festivities begin.